“Don’t forget about your blog this week,” the email from St. Louis Woman Magazine said.And I sighed as I stared blankly at the computer screen. No, I hadn’t turned in my blog for the week. That was true.
On the outside, I appeared delinquent and lazy. Yet, the truth was that on the inside I was very much in pain. And that is why my blog was late. Because I knew what I wanted to say, and it hurt way too much to say it.
You see, last week, a friend called me to talk. However what she wanted to discuss was something that hurt my feelings more than they have probably ever been hurt before. And what’s worse was that everything she said was so blatantly incorrect and so completely misguided. She spoke based on assumptions and stereotypes and total ignorance. And yet, she was quite certain that she was right.
I abruptly ended the conversation, unable to speak for fear of crying; which is exactly what I did as soon as I hung up the phone. And I cried for hours. And I felt sick inside for days. And here it is, one week later, and I still can barely think about that night without wanting to shed more tears.
As the mother of two daughters, I expect to deal with mean girl issues and teenage intolerance of others. I know there will be plenty of times where I find myself consoling my children when someone has hurt them and wiping away their tears when they are faced with disappointment. Still, I naively believed that as a woman in her 40s, I never would have to face those problems myself ever again.
But I was wrong.
Why I ever thought that 42-year-old girl friends couldn’t hurt me like my prepubescent friends did is beyond me. I suppose I wanted to believe that adults are more respectful and supportive than young kids tend to be. However, I’ve learned I was wrong. And that makes me very sad.
My husband believes that I won’t feel better until I give the situation some sort of closure. He says I need to either speak with the person who’s hurt me or write her a letter explaining how I feel. The trouble is that facing your emotions can sometimes be very scary; which is why I haven’t contacted her. And why I haven’t written my blog until now.
One thing’s for sure: Ignoring the situation certainly won’t make it go away.
But putting it all down on paper has made me feel a little bit better — at least for the time being.
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