The Toughest Questions Losing a loved one is hard, no matter your age

Sometimes denial is a good thing.

And sometimes our kids ask questions that are way too tough.
Recently, one of my dearest friends lost her mother-in-law. It was expected, but it was still really terrible, as death always is. Not only was this woman a mother-in-law, she was also a sister, a mother and a grandma. Therefore, many people were saddened by this tragedy, including my daughter’s best friend, who now found herself without a grandmother.

My daughter Hannah was really affected by her friend’s loss. She called her friend many times to check on her and kept asking me what she could do to help. I was quite proud of Hannah for being so caring and compassionate.

Death is something that is extremely difficult to explain to kids. I find it particularly hard since I don’t have all the answers. I guess the truth is, that by the time any of us have the answers, it will be too late to pass them on. Thus, because there is so much unknown, death is extremely scary, particularly for children.
As I was preparing to go to the funeral last week, Hannah began talking freely about how sad she was for her friend.

“Is this going to happen to me?” Hannah asked hesitantly.

“No! Of course not!” I answered, surprised.

“You aren’t sick, honey,” I reassured my daughter. “You aren’t going to die until you’re really old.”

“No,” Hannah replied sadly. “Are my grandparents going to die?”

Like I said, sometimes denial is a good thing.

“No, they aren’t,” I said quickly. And I tried to tell myself that I was speaking the truth.

I’m sure Hannah didn’t believe me. But really, that was the answer we both needed to hear at that moment. I simply can’t imagine life without any of the people in my family. And I’m quite certain my girls feel the same way. And yet, when bad things happen to others, it reminds us of what we may have to face someday down the road.

I’m usually very honest with my children because I believe that if they’re old enough to ask a question, then they are old enough to know the answer. Yet, in this case, I’m not even old enough to face the truth. I simply do not want to admit that someday there will be people missing from my world. And so, I will not even think about it –– at least for now.

On a daily basis, I remind my daughters that I am always there if they need to talk and that they can always ask me anything. Fortunately, they do come to me frequently with questions I’m sure many kids would never even ask their parents. Thus, I am confident that questions about death will come up again in my home from time to time. I want to be open and honest with my children. But there are times, like now, where I can’t even be open and honest with myself.

I guess I need to work on that.

So, for the moment, I will simply concentrate on being there for my friend and her family. And I will continue to spend time with the people I care about the most, loving, laughing and living my life to its fullest.

After all, isn’t that what life is supposed to be all about?

Please leave your comments here or on our FaceBook page.

by Sharon Dunski Vermont